the lovell crew

Wow! So it has been like, forever since I’ve updated the blog. It’s not that we’ve been extra busy, in fact, December has been quite the opposite. This year, John & I decided very intentionally that we would scale down our holiday commitments. Normally, our holiday season is jam-packed with Christmas parties, events, plays, family travels, etc., and at the end of the season we are left trying to just catch our breath and wonder, “wow, that flew by fast!”

We have, however, been busy bees around the house. All the decorations are ready, my Christmas shopping is DONE (first time EVER this early!), and my newfound addiction to Pinterest has led to a new craft with the girls each weekend.

Faith is super excited about the tree, the presents, all our holiday baking & crafting, and most of all so far….Christmas lights. She loves them. Every time we’re out & it’s dark, she begs  asks to go look at the Christmas lights. She loves them all, but her favorite ones are the “rainbow lights” (i.e., colored Christmas lights). We are planning a special weekend trip with her soon, hopefully to one of our larger surrounding cities to see lots of lights!

Zoe has been progressing leaps and bounds lately. She has discovered mobility! Mainly in the form of rolling to get herself where she needs & wants to go, but crawling is in the works. Over the past couple months, her sitting balance has steadily improved, and I am happy to report I can now sit her down in one spot, and odds are, she’ll stay there This is huge for us, as we have been working hard-core (no pun intended!) on her core muscles.

Just this week she’s started trying to get up on all fours & rock.

We still have a long road ahead of us, but she is an amazingly determined child & I am so excited to get a front row seat to all that she’s gonna do! Also, lately, the child has been a bottomless pit. Literally. Meats, pastas, fruits, cereals, you name it, she’s ate it. Everything she can get her tiny hands on is going straight to her mouth, and we’ve made several extra trips to the grocery lately because between both girls you’d think we were feeding a small army. I love it

This year has by far been my favorite holiday season. The girls are at such a fun age, and it seems they are learning, saying, & doing new things every day. Sometimes I just want to freeze time and hang on to these moments while I can…

Aren’t they sweet?

Every year at Thanksgiving we make a very LONG trip to our hometown in eastern Kentucky. We always have a great time, but I dread the drive, for the simple fact that it takes over six hours of driving time. Add in a couple kiddos, and there is potential there for nothing but sheer misery on the road!

This year, we prepared ourselves. I took an entire week off (which I usually don’t do & end up regretting it!) and we gave ourselves plenty of time to get here & back. We loaded up, trying to pack lightly because we’d also be hauling back a vehicle full of new Christmas gifts for the girls from their mamaw & papaw. I debated on whether or not to bring Zoe’s stander; she is in it twice a day for an hour each, and although it’s not huge by any means, it’s just bulky. In the end, we brought it. Surprisingly though, we had room to spare in the back.

Our trip down was uneventful & quick actually. We made carefully timed stops, had only one bathroom accident (Faith) only because we were in a super long stretch of highway with absolutely NO exits to be found, sang lots of fun songs & watched a few Christmas movies.

It was a great week! I loved having so much downtime to spend with the girls & our family. We had no agendas, no plans, nothing. Just hanging out, eating (a LOT), playing & opening gifts. We spend Christmas at our own home, so we do a little early gift exchange at our Thanksgiving trip.

Faith received a GIANT dollhouse with about a million parts. The details on the pieces are amazing. Her dollhouse family even has its very own laptop, cell phone, & minivan with real honking horn & a radio that works. A big change from when I had MY dollhouse as a child. She is in dollhouse heaven.  Thankfully John managed to fit it all back in the car so we can haul it all home.

Zoe got some super cute toys–ball popper, wooden puzzles, shape sorters, lots of things to encourage crawling & hand/eye coordination. She spent much of her Thanksgiving holiday playing in the floor with Faith, myself, and all our other family, and calling repeatedly for “mama,” which I think will soon replace “dada” as her favorite word She has surprised me with her puzzle skills, although we haven’t even left for home yet & we’ve already lost a piece She was a master gift opener though…

Both of the girls loved all the good food…Zoe’s favorite was macaroni salad (& Pizza Hut cheesesticks but I don’t think that really counts as Thanksgiving food–another day, another time), and Faith’s favorite food was the sugar cookies with tiny turkeys on them she got to make with mamaw.

It was an awesome week, & we made a lot of great memories. I loved seeing my sweet babies underneath my mother-in-law’s GIANT Christmas tree. I have no clue how she manages to get this thing decorated but it is GORGEOUS!!

I cannot believe what a difference a year makes. Just take a look for yourself…

The day Zoe was born…

Celebrating (well, sleeping thru) her first Halloween…

Throwing her first temper tantrums…

Merry first Christmas!!

Getting pretty attached to big sis

First pair of specs…

First AFOs…

Meeting my uncle for the first time…

While rockin’ a super cute outfit of course!

We had a lot of tea parties…

Getting stronger…

And cuter…both of ‘em!

And stronger….(well, let’s be honest-the cuteness never ends!)

Eating cake!

Making headlines…

And surprising us all!!

It’s been an awesome first year! I have seen our entire family, all four of us, grow so much. I am so thankful for such a great first year…and so excited about the journey ahead. No, it’s not all rainbows & sunshine, but we have learned and are still learning, that’s okay.

Some days I just really dislike spina bifida. All the other parents raising a child on this same journey will understand. Some days I just want to take Zoe, and run, as far away as we can, from therapy, from evaluations, from “stuff” like AFO’S, standers, and kinesiotape.

I have days where I think, it’s just not fair. Not fair that I can’t just enjoy time with my youngest without feeling guilty that I didn’t put in enough tummy time. Or do enough stretches. Or enough stander time. Or that we didn’t work on fine motor skills enough today. I get tired of sometimes feeling like it’s never enough.

There are days that I wonder what life would be like with our two girls without spina bifida. It’s like the proverbial monster in the closet. You know he’s there, but you just keep hoping he behaves & stays in the closet. Sometimes I wish I could just shut the door, and forget all about him. That he would just go away.

I get tired sometimes, of answering questions. I try to have a thick skin. To not let things bother me too much. I try to remember that there was a time when I, too, didn’t have a clue what spina bifida involved. I would’ve asked parents these same questions.

“One day she’ll walk, I just know it.”

“Why does she wear those braces on her ankles?”

“What’s wrong with her eyes? Why does she wear glasses?”

Usually, I try to just look at those statements as an opportunity to educate people. But sometimes I just get tired. I just want my baby to be accepted as she is, with her braces, and her glasses, and whatever other “gear” we accumulate. Ask me what new words she’s saying, or talk about how cute she is, or how her glasses bring out her personality. There is so much more to Zoe than the spina bifida.

And don’t use the word wrong.

There is nothing wrong with her. She’s actually been the healthiest one in our family over the past year.

She is perfectly made. Just like we all are. Yes, she obviously has some challenges.  But she is perfect. She is my Zoe. She works harder than any other baby I know. Milestones that come so easily to other babies, that result in parents bragging about how quickly their child rolled over, sat up, or walked, require so much more time, effort, determination, and ultimately patience for Zoe. And me.

But they are that much more sweet when they happen.

I have debated on whether or not to post this. It is not a happy, feel-good post. But it is honest. I admire my daughter so much. She puts up with so much and just keeps smiling. I admire her sister so much–her unending love for Zoe, her compassion, her full acceptance of all that Zoe is. I admire my husband-his unwavering faith that Zoe will accomplish all that she is meant to, and we will love, encourage and accept her no matter what.
I suppose I am just going to somehow HAVE to learn patience. I pray for it everyday. Patience to wait for Zoe to learn to not fall over when she sits up. Patience to wait for her to say “mama,” or crawl, or do whatever will be next on our list of things to work on.

And patience to answer with grace every time someone asks me “when will she….” or “what’s wrong…”

The time finally came. For some reason, I have dreaded trying to potty-train Faith for the longest time. She’s been interested in it for a while, and we’ve had spurts come where we’ve tried to teach her, but we’ve temporarily put it on hold because she didn’t seem ready.  So we decided to try. Again.

I think the sheer fact of trying to potty-train a 2 year old with a 10 month old tagging along (yes, I know lots of parents have done it, but I haven’t!) was enough to deter me.  Finally, the need to save some $$ on diapers despite my superb couponing skills pushed me to try again.

We set a date, bought lots of stickers, treats, big-girl panties & pull-ups, and we were set.

The day came, and yes, it was my day home alone with both girls. Thankfully, I have a usually compassionate husband who spent the morning at home to help out. We had a “throwing-out-the-diapers” party for Faith, and she picked out her new big girl panties.

Dora. Can’t potty-train without her.

I spent the next several hours a nervous wreck, just waiting for accidents. We camped out in the girls’ room, which has an adjoining bathroom so we could make a quick visit. I tried to keep the girls contained & entertained as much as possible.

Eating…

Playing with playdough, which Faith loves…

Zoe was happy to chill out with big sis, although she didn’t get to enjoy the playdough this year  She did, however, ham it up as usual for the camera.

I am happy to report after a few weeks, Faith is still in her big girl panties, and I haven’t thrown in the towel (or lost my mind!) yet. She still wears a pull-up at night, so for any of you veteran potty-trainers out there who may have some ideas on the night-time thing, I’m all ears!

If you & I are friends on facebook, you may have seen me post recently that Zoe got a new (pink, of course!) device called a stander. It’s a crazy looking contraption that more resembles some weird torture device than anything that could be medically useful.

Well, it is really a genius piece of equipment. I am very thankful we were able to not only get her one, but get her this particular stander.

Zoe’s new stander is called a Squiggles stander. Here’s what it looks like…

The whole purpose of getting a child a stander is pretty self-explanatory. To get them standing. Zoe is 10 months old, which is the age when babies are learning to crawl, cruise & pull to stand. Zoe is doing very well, she is rolling like a pro, and can get herself turned around in a circle. She has the motivation to crawl & is very interested in it; she will pull her legs up under her but still needs to get stronger before she can keep them there. Once she figures that part out, I think she’ll take off

There are TONS of benefits to using this piece of equipment. Strengthening muscles & joints, stimulating bone growth, aiding in digestion, & of course, all the great cognitive benefits of just being upright where other kids are are awesome. We’ve had Zoe’s stander for two weeks, and I do believe she has already benefited from using it.  Most kids seem to get these anywhere from 10-12 months, and of course, if you know me, you know I want to be on top of things so we got on the ball early to get one for Zoe.

We chose the Squiggles stander for Zoe for a variety of reasons, using the input & recommendations from our therapists. This stander will allow Zoe to stand in both a supine or a prone positioning. Basically this means we have a lot of flexibility in how we put her in it, and we can change the positioning of it to give her the maximum benefit from its use. It will also grow quite a bit with her, and we have the option of converting it to become mobile should Zoe eventually want to move herself around in it. No, she won’t need it forever. But infancy & childhood are such crucial periods for growth that we want to maximize this time to allow her to reach her full potential. It supports her at the head, chest, trunk, & knees. As she grows & gets stronger, we will reduce the amount of support she uses.

I really thought I might feel a little down when we got it, or when we put her in it. You know, sort of sad that she even really needs it to begin with. To my own surprise, I was actually excited! It was so great to see her standing up, and to even more of my own surprise, she actually LOVES it.

The stander puts her on eye level with Faith, which means lots of tea parties.

Something else I hadn’t thought much of until recently, is how all of these new contraptions we’ve acquired to help Zoe grow big & strong will affect Faith. The girls are close enough in age that I am always mindful of Faith feeling a little jealous, as though these are “presents” for Zoe. We try to be honest with Faith & explain what each of these things do.

The glasses help Zoe see.

The braces help make Zoe’s ankles strong.

The stander helps Zoe stand & grow strong.

Faith is such an amazing big sister (& motivator!) to Zoe. I love nothing more than to see the two of them together. They are quite the pair. I have spent so much time thinking of how I want to teach Zoe about her spina bifida, and that I don’t want to ever let it define who she is. After all, I think she’s a little superstar

But lately, I’ve been noticing some new qualities emerge in Faith. There is no judgment or preconceived ideas about Zoe, her abilities, her future, or all her new gadgets. There is FULL acceptance. Love. Compassion.

Faith loves all of Zoe’s new “stuff” and goes out of her way to try to help make it exciting.

Decorating Zoe’s stander…

Sometimes I think we can learn the best lessons from a child. We are all sometimes so quick to stereotype, to make assumptions based on what we see. But we never know the full picture. We only walk our own journey, not someone else’s. We have no clue what someone else has been through, and it’s so easy to just put them in a category.

But there is so much more to what meets the eye sometimes.

I am trying to learn this lesson; to remember how easily my oldest daughter accepts my younger daughter for all she is, and will be, with nothing but love. And vice versa.

There will come a day I know, when my children will figure out that the world is cruel. People are rude sometimes. Hurtful words may be spoken to them. I can only pray now that they will begin to grow in grace & wisdom, to see past outer appearances, and to show that same unconditional love that they do now.

“Be completely humble & gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.”

Ephesians 4:2

Yesterday John & I decided to attempt a new feat. We decided to take the girls to the opening football game for the Bears.

We talked, planned a strategy, and plotted our event very carefully. The potential problem with taking Faith & Zoe to the game wasn’t the game itself. It was bedtime. For some reason unknown to us, our girls are so scheduled (hmmm…type A momma, maybe?). Come 7:30 pm, we had better be running bathwater & pulling out the bedtime stories or else someone is sure to melt down.

So, after very carefully delaying naps until the late afternoon, we set off. Two chairs for momma & daddy, one chair for Zoe, one diaper bag stuffed with all the extras–snacks, Sippy cups, juice, travel playdough, teething biscuits, baby food, even daddy’s iPad for playing games.

We were ready.

The first quarter passed fairly uneventfully.

Zoe loved the view from her little booster chair & was content playing with her Sippy & munching on snacks…

Faith was happy to see her friend Cohen, and they held their own conversations about the game

After the first quarter, things got a little hairy. Faith decided she needed to go potty (yes, big update on the potty-training coming soon!) and so I had to push aside my public restroom germaphobeness (like the new word?) and let her use the women’s restroom on the “big potty.” That was definitely an experience.

Anyway, during this time, Zoe decided to put away some baby mac & cheese with veggies, but once that was over she was done with all the screaming & yelling. She decided to join in, but she definitely was not cheering on the Bears at that point

In the end, we made it till halftime which John & I were pleased with! Zoe fell asleep in daddy’s arms, and Faith got to play lots of fun games with Cohen while sharing teddy grahams. Her one memory of the night? The band. The drums. But if you ask her about it, she’ll simply tell you, “I didn’t see any maracas!”

Yep-that’s my girls! Great night!

This past weekend John & I decided to take Faith on a “date” by herself.  No longer being an only child means you get less of mommy & daddy’s time, so I wanted to do something special that she would love

After much debate on what to do, we decided to take her to see a movie. Winnie the Pooh to be exact. If you know my oldest daughter at all, you know she is a die-hard Dora the Explorer fan. Unfortunately for her, Dora wasn’t on the big screen this weekend. We weren’t sure what she would think of this yellow bear with his pot of “huny,” so we decided to do a little prep…

We read lots of Winnie the Pooh books.

We played Winnie the Pooh “video games,” on her Little Leap player.

Finally, the big day arrived. We dropped Zoe off at Nana’s house, and off we went. Loaded down with popcorn, drinks, & “yummy” bears (i.e., gummy bears!) we were set. Faith had her coolest gear on…

I’m happy to report her first animated film was a success! We made it through the entire thing, and she still remembers that “Eeyore lost his tail.” Sorry to any of you Pooh fans if I ruined the plot

After the movie, we made a trip to our favorite store…Target!  We picked out LOTS of new “big-girl panties,” for our new undertaking–potty-training! Yes, starting this Wednesday we are beginning some hard-core potty-training. Say a little prayer for me

Of course, no trip would be complete without something fun to take home. We picked out Play-dough, and our first go-around with it was a SUCCESS!

We had a great time hanging out with our big girl, and letting her be “only child” for the day.

But…

Our girls were definitely glad to be reunited that evening! In celebration, we busted out matching Dora jammies…

Several weeks ago, I received a message from my former pastor, whom I call Bro. Steve. Actually, I still consider him my pastor–he was my first pastor, baptized me at the young age of eight years old, & as I grew up I developed a wonderful relationship with he & his wife, Laura, as well as their three children. Some of my most tremendous spiritual growth as a Christian occurred under their leadership, & I do miss them dearly.

Anyway, Bro. Steve contacts me to request permission to use our family’s story in an upcoming sermon he was doing on abortion. Now, I have always been pro-life, long before I had my own babies. However, after everything we experienced during my pregnancy with Zoe, I can totally understand why some women choose abortion. Thinking back on last summer, in those first few days & weeks after we knew of her diagnosis, I would be lying if I said I didn’t wake up sometimes wishing I had never gotten pregnant in the first place. Although I could not terminate a pregnancy, I understood at that point why some women would.

I thank the Lord every time I kiss my sweet baby’s face that He allowed me to have peace during such an uncertain time, and that we chose LIFE. I still remain pro-life, just with a new perspective on what some of these women are struggling with.

With that said, I love sharing our story & so of course I told Bro. Steve that, yes, he was more than welcome to share our story. Being a part of a community of moms with children who have spina bifida, we see new moms join all the time who are just receiving their child’s diagnosis. The fear, grief, and uncertainty is evident in their words, and my heart breaks for them as I think about when I was that mom struggling to come to terms with the new twist in our journey.

Many are in that place of contemplating whether or not to continue with the pregnancy. Doctors so often try to predict the child’s prognosis based on pictures from an ultrasound screen, and so many babies are aborted due to mistaken ideas about their child’s future quality of life. My heart hurts for these parents, because even though doctors possess a wealth of knowledge, there is a higher power who has created that child. And has big plans!

It’s so difficult to forge ahead, not always being able to see what those big plans may be just yet.

I can promise you–this little lady has an awesome quality of life!

Swimming…

Having tea parties with big sis!

and figuring out how to go places…

Here is the link to Bro. Steve’s church in case you want to check out his site or listen to his message. Here’s the video from that Sunday, with a neat video of our family & part of Zoe’s journey at the end…

It’s funny how life is backwards sometimes. The older I get the more I realize I don’t really know anything. Not like I thought I did. When I was a teenager, I thought my mom was nuts sometimes. Now, I think she knows everything

When I first got married, I thought my husband didn’t know how to do anything the way I thought it should be done. Now, I realize that yes, sometimes he actually has some pretty decent ideas.

Before I had kids, I would see weary moms pushing shopping carts in Kroger & think, “my kids will never…” If you need any proof that I have become that mom, click HERE.

Fast forward several years, throw in a husband, two kids, a dog, a house, a full-time job, and oh yes, spina bifida, & it’s amazing I don’t have a gray hair…yet.

Lately I’ve been thinking maybe the Lord just wants me to learn patience on this journey. That I don’t need pre-conceived ideas about what I would or wouldn’t do in a situation I’m not yet in, that I don’t have to control everything, or that maybe instead of ME helping make MY family into something, HE’s making ME into something.

It seems there’s something about unexpected twists in life that either make you throw your faith out the window, or realize you can’t make it on this road alone.

I’ve been reading from my old devotion book-Streams in the Desert lately. I’d been having one of those days where you wonder why in the world you would choose to serve a God who does things that don’t really jive with your plans. Who lets things happen that you don’t think should happen. Like, why in the world would I love & serve a God who allows my child to have challenges right from the get-go?

It was that night that I dug out my book, and came across this quote.

“The only way to know strong faith, is to endure great trials. I have learned my faith by standing firm through severe testings.”

-George Mueller

I realized that night, that I don’t want to be the person with the shallow faith. I used to think I did. I wanted things my way. I knew best. Slowly, I am realizing that maybe God chooses to give me alternatives to the things I once thought I needed or wanted, & yes, maybe initially I think it’s wrong, or maybe He’s mistaken, or not trustworthy at all. I start to question things.

But as time goes on, I gain a new perspective. I gain patience. My faith gets stronger. I realize, that the things I never dreamed I would want or need, are exactly perfect for me.