the lovell crew

¹⁹ God is not a man, that he should lie,
nor a son of man, that he should change his mind.
Does he speak and then not act?
Does he promise and not fulfill?

Numbers 23:19

Sometimes it’s hard to see God’s hand at work when you’re in the middle of a storm. Or at least what feels like a storm. Often it’s only in hindsight we’re able to recognize God’s provision & purpose, and remember that even when we can’t see it, we’re still right in the middle of His plan for our lives.

I had forgotten this for a while.

Before Zoe was born, someone had told me that although her birth would be different than Faith’s, it would be just as special to us. This was so hard for me to believe. To me, Faith’s birth had been perfect. And now with Zoe, we were facing a different type of delivery, at least one surgery, and a lot of unknowns. How could this experience be special when I was scared to death?

I have since come to learn that friend was right.

Although it was an entirely different experience than when Faith was born, it was just as meaningful. I have fond memories of the delivery nurses holding Zoe over the curtain for me to see her tiny feet. Of hearing her squeal & cry while she was cleaned up. Of seeing her daddy & my husband be the first one to really hold her. I even came to enjoy the very long trips from my room to the NICU, with John racing my wheelchair down the 1/4 mile long hallway to the Children’s Hospital (might not be such fond memories for him having to push the thing!).

I remember the day I held Zoe for the first time.

Of course, just as there were so many ups, we had our share of downs. Handing my new baby off to a team of OR nurses & doctors and watching them walk away with her was a feeling I’ll never forget. Feeling torn between my two girls. That feeling of nervousness I felt each time I walked into the NICU.

Then there’s the night I finally felt like God had forgotten our family. Running on zero hours of sleep, we brought Zoe into the ER late because her back incision was draining & I knew this shouldn’t happen. We expected a few extra stitches, yet we got a lot more than we bargained for. After countless numbers of doctors, MRI scans, needle sticks, and questioning from momma (don’t think the ER nurses appreciated the fact that I also work in healthcare ) it was determined that Zoe needed her shunt.

We had expected this. We had been prepared for this. But not that night.

I just wanted to wrap my baby up & take her home. Yet instead, we were wrapping her up & sending her back to the OR again.

In the middle of this madness, I was angry that the God we have served, loved, & devoted our lives & family to would allow my daughter to have to undergo two surgeries before she was even two weeks old. I was angry because I knew He could fix this, and yet it felt as though He was standing silently on the sidelines just watching as we sank in the chaos.

Looking back now, I can see that wasn’t the case at all. It’s easy to see just how much God has and continues to provide for our family now. Even in little things. A bed in our ER room so we could sleep. Free meals at the hospital. Nurses who came to love our daughter. An unexpected shunt placement which turned out to be a blessing in disguise. Countless numbers of meals at home made by dear friends.

I still know & believe that God is good. That He loves us more than we’ll ever realize. And that He’s given our family a story to tell. We don’t know the end, and I know there will continue to be tough pages we’ll have to get through. But I still believe that He is writing our story, and it will be so much better than what it would have been if we had not allowed Him to write this particular piece.

We are now just short of seven weeks until we finally get to meet Miss Zoe I am finding the closer we get to delivery the more mixed my emotions become. As much as I’ve tried to enjoy this pregnancy, I honestly am ready for it to be over. I love being pregnant, but I don’t  love being exhausted, big, unable to sleep, and having a restroom as my new best friend. Not being pregnant comes with a trade-off, though, and as much as I can’t wait to finally hold our baby girl, part of me is scared of the c-section, overwhelmed by the inevitable NICU stay, and wondering how on earth will I manage two babies and still be a good mom?

Many of you probably read John’s blog, and if so, you probably read his post about Good News/Bad News. It’s given us both a whole new perspective of how we view not just this pregnancy and the new addition to our family, but life in general. I am still learning, though, to not look at each ultrasound or doctor’s visit as presenting a potential for “bad news.”

Zoe has been doing wonderfully though, and we are very thankful. She has been very stable in utero, growing & moving like a champ. She definitely has some spunk in her, I think. At our last ultrasound, she had both her feet flipped completely over her head She seems to always be on the move, especially at night when I’m trying to sleep Our doctors at Vanderbilt have been fantastic; it still amazes me at all the wonderful people God has brought into our lives through this whole experience. They’ve been very positive and excited about how well she’s doing, which is great because every momma loves to hear good things about her baby!

I am now seeing my local OB twice a week (yes, I know, I am their frequent flyer patient!). While it is a big inconvenience and rather annoying to be there so much, I know the docs just want to keep a close eye on Zoe. One day a week I have an NST (non-stress test), where they record her heart rate and movement, to see if it increases with her activity as it should. On a separate day, I have a biophysical profile, where her movements, practice breathing, amniotic fluid, etc. is all measured. We are still having ultrasounds monthly at Vanderbilt.

Zoe’s birthday is set for October 19 at 7:30 am! Unless she changes her mind of course She will have her back surgery the very next day, and hopefully from there it just becomes a watch & wait until we go home. More than anything, I just want to be home with my sweet family, and get settled in again.

It’s amazing to me that it has already been almost 16 weeks since we first learned of Zoe’s spina bifida. It’s really an odd thing for me to think I’m thankful for spina bifida, because no mom wants anything but the best for her child, but I am a completely different person than I was 16 weeks ago, and for that I am thankful. I like the new me better and I think it’s made me into a better mom even

Here’s a little picture I thought I would leave you with. Our Zoe, at 31 weeks, asleep….I think she already has some fat on her little cheeks for me to pinch when she gets here

It’s been one of those weeks. Or two. You know the kind I’m talking about. That week where it seems nothing is going as planned. One of those weeks when it rains it pours. Or maybe comes a torrential downpour if it’s been like mine lately. Here’s my week in recap (in no particular order):

• The trailblazer died which = costly repairs
• We lost two trees in the front yard during a thunderstorm which = big expense to remove!
• Our hot water pipe burst at 11 pm the night before a Monday which = who knows how much $$$
• Faith’s cutting ALL her teeth at once, been sick & a bit cranky
• We’ve had at least one doctor’s visit every week for someone in the family all month
• Work has been extra busy for both John & I

It’s been a bit of a struggle for me to not feel a bit like Job. Most of it is me feeling sorry for myself. On top of all of this, Zoe is due in eight weeks via c-section and on one hand, I can’t wait to meet her, yet on the other, I’m terrified and nervous about having a c-section.

Don’t get me wrong-I’m very thankful John & I can afford to repair our vehicle, remove trees from our yard, & have the insurance to cover doctor’s appointments. I’m thankful God has given us jobs we love and enable us to provide for our family. I think it’s just human nature to think “why me” when it feels you are drawing the short end of every stick.

I am reminded through all of this that none of this matters much in the long-run. A broken pipe can be fixed. A sick baby can be soothed. Cars can be repaired. Trees taken away. Every job has its good days & bad.

So this week, in the middle of all our chaos (i.e., life) I think of Job. He lost everything he had. His home. His possessions. His health. His family. Yet, in the middle of all of his chaos, he still could say…

The Lord gave & the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.”

Job 1:21

I have to remember nothing I have in this life in truly my own anyway. I am simply a steward of all God has blessed me with. My home, my possessions, my career, my family. Everything belongs to Him & is His to do as He sees fit. It is my responsibility to care for what He’s given me, and trust that He will provide.

May the name of the Lord be praised.

Even with a busted water pipe at 11 pm the night before a hectic Monday morning

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about parenting. As the weeks go by and we get closer to adding Zoe to our family, it crosses my mind so often of what kind of mom I am. And what are John & I really teaching our girls? It seems so much of parenting is retrospective-you don’t really know how well you did until you look back & it’s too late.

One of my biggest fears is that I don’t want to look back on this journey (because I know we only have our kids for a season before they leave!) with regret. I don’t want Faith and Zoe (and any more that we may add later ) to just remember growing up with a mom & dad who were not present. Who worked too much. Loved too little. Focused more on money than relationships. Or put the kids first before each other (yes, I am a firm believer that my spouse comes before my kids!). I want our kids to see a healthy marriage. To see parents who love & serve the Lord.

I want my kids to know Christ. Not just know about him.

Yesterday I came across this verse. It sort of struck me that if I had to pick a “theme” verse for this journey John & I are on of raising daughters right now, this could be it. I think I may add it to my collection of index-card verses I have placed strategically around my bathroom for reminders

³⁰ Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

I know my girls will never get this unless we as their parents model it for them. So this is my new theme verse. I don’t care if my girls ever win beauty pageants, are captain of the cheerleading squad, win most popular senior superlative, graduate valedictorian, etc. Although there is nothing wrong with these (and valedictorian=college scholarship!).

But these things are temporary. Not the goal. I want my girls to love the Lord. Even when it hurts. To serve him. Even if it means their plans are a little different than they expected. To realize that this life is not it. There’s more.

So that’s why Proverbs 31:30 is my new theme for now. I think it sums it up nicely. I just need to find an index card to write it on

So pregnancy has always been a mixed bag for me. On one hand, I love feeling the baby move, seeing the baby on ultrasound (although I now have a slightly different view of that!), and not having to carry heavy things. On the other hand, I hate feeling three times my usual size, not being able to roll over in bed as easily due to my growing belly, and feeling tired all the time (although John would say I always claim to be in need of a nap )

There is one thing I love about pregnancy, though, that I wish I could keep around even after the baby is born:
Nesting.

Nesting is a type A personality’s dream come true. Despite all the aches & pains that accompany growing & carrying around another human being, when it hits there is no stopping it. And I love it!
So far, I’ve managed to start organizing the girls’ closets, organized all my kitchen & hallway cabinets, finally framed & mounted several family photos on my walls I’ve been intending to hang, & painted my laundry room. I even cleaned baseboards & ceiling fans, normally not one of my favorite tasks.

This list doesn’t include the things John has gotten done around the house lately-sometimes I think he gets a male version of the nesting instinct when I’m pregnant. But you definitely won’t find me complaining about that!

I still have 10 weeks left to go until we meet Zoe; let’s hope she holds out that long & so does the nesting. I still have more things on my to-do list that need done. I definitely don’t want to switch gears & end up like this:

Today I went back to a place that used to not make me nervous. A place where I used to not feel I needed to pray for strength to handle the news I would receive there. A place where silence from an ultrasound tech wasn’t automatically interpreted in a negative manner.

The ultrasound room.

This morning John & I headed to Vanderbilt to the children’s hospital for our first visit. Unsure of what to expect, we prayed for strength to handle whatever the Lord chose to do in our life this day as we found out more about baby Zoe & how she was doing.

But even if….right?

The hospital was amazing. More like a children’s museum than a medical facility. I lay in a dark room while a tech (no poker face this time!) went over every bone, every organ, with a fine-toothed comb. She explained everything & we got to see Zoe kicking, rolling, sucking her thumb. Here she is with her hand in her mouth:

We were to see three doctors today-my new doctor, Zoe’s surgeon, & the neonatologist (doctor who will take care of her in the NICU nursery). Each time as we waited for one of them, I held my breath & prayed. Many of you know the following scripture has become very dear to John & I during this journey, and I found myself repeating it throughout the day:

¹⁶ Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to the king, “O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. ¹⁷ If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. ¹⁸ But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”

But even if Zoe’s condition is worse than we anticipated.

But even if doctors are negative & pessimistic about her prognosis.

But even if this ultrasound looks worse than the last.

But even if…

Let me just say, it is very easy to repeat those three words to yourself, but very difficult to actually think you’ll still love God just as much, be just as obedient to Him, & serve Him just the same regardless of your child’s outcome. Or whatever situation you may be dealing with.

Thankfully today, we got good news. Zoe’s spinal lesion is very small & very low according to all our doctors. They expect she will walk & do well. We of course won’t know anything definitely until she arrives, but we were told today it seems we have a milder case & the doctors are very optimistic of her outcome.

Of course, I found myself excited & hopeful on our drive home. As John & I talked about the day together, I realized I have to be careful to not put my hope in doctors’ reports, opinions, or a prognosis. When I find myself doing so, the Lord very sweetly reminds me of this verse from Psalm 20:7:

⁷ Some trust in chariots and some in horses,
but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.

Today was a good day. I’d call it a great one even. Our baby girl is alive & well, and full of spunk it seems! And I can’t wait to meet her! Even today, God chose to place some amazing people on our path & I know it was He who has & will continue to go before us making provisions for our needs.

So today, for that I am thankful

Growing up in church, I’ve always been very familiar with this story:

I’m sure you’ve probably heard it too…Shadrach, Meshach & Abednego thrown into the fiery furnace & lives to tell the tale. We’ve heard it at Vacation Bible Schools, Sunday Schools, & plastered on flannel boards.

But this week, I’ve gained a new perspective. A new appreciation for the three men who stepped out on faith & were obedient to a God of whom they were uncertain would save them from the flames.

This particular passage has spoken volumes to me this week:

¹⁶ Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to the king, “O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. ¹⁷ If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. ¹⁸ But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”

I realized this week that far too often, I tend to forget the words “but even if he does not.” We often overlook the fact that Shadrach, Meshach & Abednego use the words “…the God we serve is able.” They don’t claim God will spare their lives, only that he can.

This week at Fuge, God has been very sweet to make this idea of obedience clear to me. So many times in my Christian life, I’ve claimed to know Christ & to serve Him, but is it because I truly love Him or only because of what I may get out of it-to benefit myself? The truth is, being obedient to what God calls us to do is not easy. It is the hard road.

It would be easier to walk away.

I have became calloused to so many of the scriptures over time. I forget that Abraham didn’t know for certain God would spare his son Isaac. Jonah wasn’t convinced God would save him when he was thrown overboard. Mary had no clue she would be revered by the world as the mother of Christ. We see these things, but we’ve read the end of their stories.

I learned this week I haven’t came to end of my story.

God is choosing to have John & I journey down the spina bifida road with our family. There are a lot of unknowns.

Yes, he is a God who is able to heal Zoe. But even if he does not, we will serve him. He is sovereign. One day we’ll realize how He is using this time in our family.

Until then, our family’s story just keeps moving along

May 31, 2010.

In just one week, I feel like God has shown up in the craziest of places to make His presence known to me. It’s been totally amazing. I’ve received so much encouragement, affirmation & love from friends, family, & even strangers from across the world (the internet is a marvelous tool!).

Below is just a copy of a message I received from a 39 year-old woman I’ve never physically met who was born with spina bifida,  is now married & working with two kids. Her message was just one of the many ways I felt God’s presence in what has become the most difficult week of my life.

“There is so much hope for kids with SB now…and this group will stand with you as you face the hard times. But know this…..God alone gives and creates life – and in that moment there is NO mistake. He already has purpose and a plan for your child. And He chose you and your husband to be this child’s parents – because He knows that you both are PERFECTLY the gift this child needs.”

Hope came to John & I the moment we realized the meaning of Faith’s middle name Alexandra was “she who defends.” Crazy as it sounds, we never knew the meaning of her middle name until this week.

Peace came from receiving a special book from a family member about raising daughters I almost bought the day before. He’d had this book stored away for months, unaware we were having a second daughter, but had forgotten about it until this week. Again, perfect timing when I needed it most.

Encouragement came from letters, phone calls, & messages from women I’ve never met from all over the country, all of whom are raising a child with spina bifida and wanted to encourage me that things do get better. Life goes on. Miracles will be witnessed. Our family will thrive. We will experience God’s work in a way many may never know or understand.  And we will be thankful for this new addition & wonder what we ever did without her.

Yes, I still have moments of doubt. Fear. Worry. Uncertainty.

But God is faithful. He is sovereign. In control.

John & I came to a crossroad this past week. To trust or not to trust. To embrace God’s plan or to reject it.

Thankfully, His mercies are new every morning. And we will press on toward the goal.

Every week I’ve very blessed to get two days off during the week (one of the many benefits of nursing-the 12-hour shift!). This lets me typically get some good quality “girl” time in with Faith while daddy’s at the office. Here’s what we’ve been up to lately.

Spending lots of time going swimming on hot days!!

Indulging in some yummy chocolate! This was the aftermath of some very delicious chocolate-covered animal cookies daddy brought home for us!

As you can see, we’re a very busy bunch of gals while we’re left alone to our own devices

When John & I were first married, we were told the first year of marriage was the most difficult. In some ways “they” were correct. After all, we did have to set some ground rules…

Spend money or save it? Toothpaste cap on or off? Toilet seat up or down?

But that first year was just the beginning. We had (& still do have) a lot of learning & growing to do.

In case you didn’t know, my hubby has a blog! Although I always think his posts are very insightful & full of wisdom, I liked his latest one so much I had to borrow part of it for my own.

Here’s a little excerpt from it about the latest goal in our marriage.

Keeping score.

A conversation begins with a spouse about recent activities, and the comparison process begins. They tell you something overly simple that they did today, you explain the project that took you half the day to complete. Seeing as they live a “far-easier-than-yours” lifestyle, you mention the task that you thought worthy of their endless free-time hours. Big surprise, disappointment. You make sure to note each activity that you accomplished that contributed to the family, especially those that were less enjoyable, noting sacrifice. By the end of it, one of you is saying those inevitable words that we’ve all thought of at one time or another…

I have to do everything!

Want to see how it ends? Click here!